Adverse Childhood Experiences and estrangement

In the media, we are seeing extensive coverage of what is being characterized as a new phenomenon of parental and family estrangement. There are many reasons why someone chooses to pursue estrangement. It requires an active decision-making process and is not passive. Some may see it as avoidance. It involves establishing and holding firm boundaries. It can mean dismantling a social network that may have supported that person throughout their lives. It can create extreme vulnerability and isolation. I would advise anyone considering it to carefully examine the pros and cons.

Once you have made the decision, the impact can be noticeable immediately. Energy that was used to hold together the relationships that were draining you is likely to return. However, the peace you experience may create a situation where the trauma you failed to process while working so hard in those relationships can resurface. I recommend that you consider seeking assistance and recognize the work it takes to process these emotions, events, and subsequent coping mechanisms. If your coping mechanisms include drinking or drugs to ease or numb the pain, be sure to have support for addiction management, as these strategies can worsen outcomes and create new problems in your life.

I want to hold space for the adverse childhood experiences that often accompany the decision to pursue estrangement. Whether you have talked about it to others or not, your experiences do not need to be validated by others to be the truth. You do not have to report them to the police and obtain a conviction to know that they were wrong. You have every right to tell your story. If others attempt to suppress your story, know that this can be done coercively and with conscious decision-making on the part of the perpetrator to prevent accountability. You do not need their admission to know that they decided to hurt you. Behaviour comes with a choice. Some people should never become parents.

If you are unfamiliar with the ACES scale, please consider completing it: https://www.acesaware.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/ACE-Questionnaire-for-Adults-Identified-English-rev.7.26.22.pdf. For more information on ACES, here are some websites with extensive information and resources:

https://www.therapyroute.com/article/adverse-childhood-experiences-scale-aces-by-therapyroute.

https://www.ccsa.ca/en/guidance-tools-resources/youth/adverse-childhood-experiences?field_areas_of_expertise_target_id=10372

I want to express my solidarity with whatever decision you make. Some relationships are worth maintaining when there is a commitment by the perpetrator to change. Remember, the action and steps taken are more important than the promises or discussions you have. Accountability and forgiveness can definitely be part of those discussions. Apologies should be accompanied by action. Remember that apologies should name the harm.

Be mindful that people often know what they have done, but cannot face it themselves. Emotional immaturity is a real barrier to change and growth in these relationships. Recognize the capacity and resources both you and your family member possess. Your choice is yours and you can change your mind. Relationships are built by both parties.